
Alright, the house is still sans internet, so once again I find myself at the embarrassingly cliche Starbucks to suck their world wide web bone dry. And as if I couldn't be more of a breathing Starbucks stereotype, I decided to up the ante by not only blogging on my laptop here, but to blog a BOOK REVIEW. This is pathetic.. but ladies and gentleman, it has to be done. That's how strongly I feel about this, as some of you may have known before. But it's so much more intense now. So sit back, and let me tell you why you should NEVER waste your time in reading the "Twilight Saga", and if you already have, I'm sorry I wasn't able to warn you sooner.
This all started when I noticed this uproar over the first movie back in winter of 2008, that I had actually never heard of before. Because I couldn't stop hearing from people how "great" it was, I decided that maybe I would see it to. But being the type of person I am, if a movie is based on a book, I like to have read the book before seeing the film. So I read the first book in about a week. It wasn't complete garbage, but seriously nothing I saw as spectacular. In fact, I remember specifically saying to my brother Travis that the book wasn't terrible, but that "I could definitely, definitely tell that this was the author's first stab at writing a book". It was little things I noticed throughout the pages, the use of the same unique word over and over (for example, the word "incapacitated". This may seem insignificant to some of you, but this word actually isn't used that often if you think about it, and she used it several times.. really annoyed me.. I mean, how hard is it to look through a Thesaurus???? Especially if you are a WRITER?!?!?!) But anyway.. so the first book was OKAY but nothing more (don't even get me STARTED on how awful the movies are..). But again, after reading the first one, I wasn't super motivated to read anymore. Fast forward to this past fall when I came here. Johanna, being a 12 year old girl, of course was eagerly awaiting the release of New Moon in theaters. Again, this need to read books before seeing the movies took over and I found myself starting the second book while on my way to visit Naemi in Tübingen. Now I will be the first to admit that this book had in-fact gotten better. The characters were a little more developed and the story was better (probably mostly because Edward's retarded character wasn't in the book that much, and therefore these ridiculous "love" scenes between the two (Edward and Bella) were few and far between (thank god.. I don't think my head could handle anymore of my eye-rolling). I read New Moon quickly, as it was an easy read, and it was somewhat entertaining in the sense that it did build some suspense. But again, nothing extraordinary to warrant the success these books have had, in my opinion. A few weeks after I had read the 2nd, and after I had finished my other book I had purchased I needed something new to read. Because of the success these books have had, it is not hard to find them here, so I found myself shelling out a few Euros for the third installment of this series. I was hoping that with the second book building a better story, that maybe this one could be better as well. And maybe the author, Stephanie Meyer, would have bought herself a thesaurus by now. It took my much longer to read Eclipse. I think I read it in December? January maybe? I'm not sure, but it was a few months ago. I was proved wrong in my assumptions that as the series progressed, so would the quality of the books. Yawn. That is all that comes to mind when thinking back to Eclipse. As I sit here, I honestly can't even tell you would took place in this book. Bella and Edward got engaged? Bella was once again in the center of danger and Edward once again swore to "keep her safe"? There was a vampire fight with 'newborns' in a field? Yawn.. followed by a blank stare out the window. I honestly feel as if I put more thought into what I would want in my burrito at Chipotle, than this lady [Meyer] put into the combined effort of writing these novels. It is enraging to know she is now a millionaire several times over for the sheer exploitation of young 'tween' girls everywhere. Ugh. Disgusting. And now on to the main event.
After reading the third (out of four) book, I seriously had no desire to keep reading. The story was just boring, and not too mention retarded, and left no need for me to "find out what happens next". So, I didn't read it. Then about 3 weeks or so ago, I had finally finished another book that I had been reading forever (it also was kind of boring, and in my eyes a completely unnecessary piece of literature, but I started it, and therefore needed to finish it, even if I was reading it at an extremely slow pace--about 3 pages a week. Dreadful.) and was now looking for my next book. Johanna once again was the catalyst for my appalling mistake. She had brought up one night how she was again excited for the 3rd movie to come out next month (one I can assure you, I will not be wasting my money on). Somehow after that, she was asking me if I had read the fourth and final book yet. I told her no, and she went into one of those "Ohmygod!How could you not?! It's sooo good!" blah blah blah. So, because I refused to pay full price for a book I didn't even really want to buy, I was able to buy a "used" copy on German Amazon for like 4 Euro. Not bad. The book was shipped to me and so I found myself once again reading an f'ing Twilight book. This is where I will start with the full-force of my critique of this horrible, horrible book. I honestly don't see how ANYONE liked it. I mean the whole book, let alone the series, is mediocre at best. I am in no way an author, but I do have a love of reading, and this series does everything it possibly can to try and take that love and beat it to death. Everything I have written in this update until now was just a warm-up to my wrath that I intend to spew forward through my computer keys for the 4th and final book that is; Breaking Dawn. Come with me, shall you?
Where do I even start? I mean seriously? I can not honestly wrap my head around the fact that many of my friends (my entire former WVU lacrosse team comes to mind...) could actually enjoy these books?!?! WTF?! How?! I don't get it. But that's besides the point. The point is: this book is straight trash, and here's why:
1. Not innovating. Although I am sure that Stephanie Meyer thought it was a creative or unique or cool idea to spread the final book into actually 3 books, to make the first and last through Bella's eyes, and the 2nd through Jacob's, it wasn't. It actually was annoying if you ask me. None of the other books were written this way, so why was this one? Dumb. Move.
2. Retarded, for lack of a better word. (Caution: Spoiler Alert). I'm sorry, but you are going to make a point in the first 3 books that A, Bella is a virgin (of course) and saving herself for marriage (I understand this is a good message to send to all the young girls reading these books.. but then you lose me with what the author does next..)and blah blah blah, but then in the 4th book, when Edward and Bella are finally married, and you finally imply that they knock boots, she gets pregnant. Really?! REALLY?! Not to mention the fact that again, through all the books it is pointed out by the author that vampires don't need oxygen to breath, have no blood running through their veins, no heartbeat etc. etc., but that oh, that's right, apparently their sperm still works, no problem. PUH-LEASE. Oh, and once Bella is made into a vampire, she all of a sudden is extremely well spoken? Ughh... I don't think it works that way.
3. Lazy Storytelling. The fact that the Cullen family has all this money that is completely unexplained, but that makes life sooo easy and fun for them is just plain lazy. I mean the vague explanation is that, oh well, they've been alive a long time and therefore save all this money. Well, here's my problem with that: Carlisle is a doctor that actually works in an hospital, no? That means he is actually employed by that said hospital, and therefore would pay taxes and have documents about his work and income. Oh but they move around a lot and use different names you say? Ugh, the same would still apply. Give me a break. When I read that Bella was being taken upstairs in the Cullen house to have X-Rays done to see if her bones were broken by the baby with no more of an explanation but, "oh, I guess Carlisle was able to buy one from the hospital he worked at" or whatever. First of all, do you know how much an X-RAY MACHINE COSTS?!?! Let alone that X-Ray machines like those used in hospitals, and apparently in the Cullen household, need radiation hook-up... Ugh, just thinking about how retarded this book is and how people eat it up is making me get a migraine. I know I am reading too much into these books you might be saying, but excuse me for actually wanted to have a novel where I feel the author actually spent some time into explaining some things and not hoping that I as the reader would just look past it with no questions asked. It's a book about vampires, I already know it's not possible, but if you're going to bring me into a new world where the characters are not necessarily believable, everything else should be. 100 percent. And in these books, they're not. Lazy.
4. Anti-climatic. Okay. This book seemed to me as if it were dragging on and on. But towards the end when all the other vampires were coming together and sharing their special "talents" and seemed as if they were preparing for a battle with the Voturi (I know, the fact that I now know their names etc. is BEYOND embarrassing for me) in the end, it did actually pick up and become more interesting to read. I was able to, momentarily, look past all the other trash I had to read to get to this point, but the final fight that seemed inevitable actually was interesting. But oh guess what. Nothing happens. Seriously. Nothing. The two groups of opposing vampires, each with different "gifts" that would be cool to see in fight, just stand facing each other in the same f'ing field that apparently everything happens in, and they just.. talk. SOOOOOOO FUCKING STUPID. They argue for about a chapter and then the Volturi, who are seen as the "bad guys", jut decide "okay we'll leave" and that's it. I seriously couldn't believe it. Umm.. why didn't you just save me the time it took to read about 3 chapters and just say that the character sent a letter or something and that everything was fine and they all lived happily ever after. The End. It would have saved everyone time. No one dies. In ANY of the books. That are about vampires. Oh wait, I think like 2 may have died, but they were of course "bad guys". No one "good" died. At all. Seriously. I can't get over this. Even in the Disney Movie The Lion King, Mustafa dies. Tons of people die in Harry Potter (but to even try to compare the two series is an insult to JK Rowling). Ugh. This book was so retarded I can't even talk about it anymore. Now that I was able to vent and get this all out about how awful these books were I can forever be done with them. If you are thinking about reading them because you're curious to see what 'all the fuss is about', trust me. Don't. And if you have already read them and you are over the age or 13 and disagree with me, and thought they were good, sign up for the Special Olympics next time they come around because these books are re-tar-ded and so are you for enjoying them. As a fellow avid reader, I would hope you would demand more of authors and the books they write. This book sucks and so does Stephanie Meyer for being rich because of them.
And that ladies and gentleman, is my review for the Twilight Saga. I hope that you will spread the word of how bad they are, because you know what? I can't do it alone. We all must do our part to stop this cancer from growing. And if vampires are truly your thing, then grow up and watch True Blood like a real adult (which BTW is awesome). Twilight Saga: Epic Fail.
Alright. I feel sooo much better now that that is all out. Hopefully I'll update again soon with something worth talking about. And hopefully the internet will be back up soon! Until then, cheers from Germany! xoxox Megan

